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Match Reports By The Big Lad and The Burf
 
We wanted a bird's eye view but our tight budget (no ) meant we got a Burf's Eye View.
 
So we have spared no expense (they do it for nowt but don't know yet) to arrange match reports. An ever changing team lead by The Big Lad and The Burf will provide us with match reports whenever they are at a match and sober enough to work the email. Only the stupid nicknames we use and change can protect them. We are not responsable (we're irresponsible) so blame them.

The Burf`s Eye View on Newcastle United vs. Liverpool

New Years Day 2003

19:45 Kick Off

 

Dear Readers,

    Well we got off to a good start. The Burf had arranged a free lift to the Toon for himself and Chris the Beard. The Beard had other ideas. (This was necessary as public transport was abandoned for the day owing to the metro overspending the night before giving free lifts to drunks!). Anyway as I was saying, the Beard wanted to take his own wheels, so the Burf had to look the gift horse in the mouth and tell the owner to put it back in the garage. The Burf and the Beard drove around the Toon for an hour looking for a parking space where there was at least a 50% chance of all wheels being in tact for the return journey. We eventually got parked in the university car park. Near to the ground, but it cost the Burf nearly the price of a pint by a man with a hat on. Other people were paying so it seemed legit.

    It was raining heavily, but at least Sky pay-per-view overruled the FA and ensured the match was on. We were an hour early, so we went to the club shop to look at the sale items. The Beard then remembered that he was meeting Leading air craftsman (LAC) at the metro (a well chosen location - as it was shut and it was still peeing down). The Beard called LAC, and owing to the noise on his mobile, LAC must have been in the Hotspurs - the cheating git.

    We all wished each other all the best (I think the shop staff thought we were shoplifting) and made our separate ways to enjoy the match. The Burf met the Big lad at the bookies counter (that turned out a waste of money, but at least we had a couple of bets up at the Spurs match). Got to our seats that were soaking. The Burf wiped his with his hat, the Big lad made a request which was politely turned down. We got off to a good start. When that Ginger Scouser felled Alan Shearer just outside the box (at wor goal) and French Bob lined the ball up the Crowd were shouting Score you (something in French) and we`ll let you off for relaxing during the last 10 games. He did and replied "Izzzzz Zat OK lads". Well that riled Houlliers No 2 and he was standing just about on the pitch for the remaining 80 mins. The crowd chanted to the "Houllier tune, "Sit down Pinocchio" and he did once or twice out of embarrassment. Our seat area tried to get the chant going "Get your nostrils off the pitch" but we didn`t quite get the volume required to set the Leazes End off.

    Robson substituted Kerr and Acuna with Bambi on ice and Robbie Elliott, strange and unnecessary we thought, but we got away with it. Ameobi`s first touch on the ball (unchallenged) caused him to fall down flat on his back, but we give the lad a chance, it was raining!

    Anyway we left for our journey home hoping to make the Green for at least last orders, but low and behold it took an hour to get out of the car park (some tart in front was letting everybody out first). The Burf did make it for last orders but LAC bottled out. He must have feared a police raid. Anyway the Burf enjoyed his usual last 4 pints.

    Wishing you all the Best for the New Year, The Burf and the Big Lad will be at Wolves! Watch this space.

 

                                                                         Love from the Burf 

SOME S**T, NAY HEAVY S**T

 

Members of the Friday 4 flew off on holiday so we thought we best leave the page alone till they came back. They say they are the only ones with the skill to tell it like it is. Truth is Chris specialises in getting the bets correct and the leading aircraftsman claims his computer is down. (We think this means he cant get the spellchecker to work or his lass didnt pay the phone bill.) However we the Canny Lads watched the Newcastle v Fynord (or however u spell it) on ITV2 and Metro FM. Mind the picture on Metro whilst on the north road was s**te.

So what did we think?

First we did not play to our full potential.

Second pilicks (how do you spell pillicks?) who drive with the fog lights on need shooting.

Third we don know if we agree that we did not play to our potential cos it was bloody exciting on the radio.

 

The difference between last seasons seems that then we functioned as a unit, but now we are not. As a result, weve lost two and are in bottom position in our group. With tonights results we need a minor nay major miracle to proceed to the next round. We have to win at least one away game against either Juventus or Fynord and still win both home games against Chicken Kiev and Juventus, and thats just to give us a chance.

 

That winging Scottish git Alex Ferguson says he aims for 10 points in this round. Our planned results would only give us 9, so we may have to either draw or maybe win in our other away game.  Back to needing miracles!!!

 

We think that we think Emerton played fantastically well and Paauwe did exceptionally well in there defence. We showed serious interest in both of them last season.

 

Here at Pratina HQ we heard rumours that both Matt Elliot (Leicester City) and Gary Kelly (Leeds United) are linked to us. We believe that judging on tonights performances, (especially) Paauwe and Emerton could be the key to our defensive problems.

 

Now to a bit of constructive criticism we are aware that Dyer is a fantastic player, but we think he played poorly tonight compared with his usually high standards. Mind he looked good on Metro FM Another comparison with last season is that although we did leak goals, we were able to come back and score often taking valuable points, but tonight, one goal and we could not come back.  Dyer and Craigo Bellamy could have helped us get back into the game. Is Bellamy to be fully fit? Has Dyer fully recovered from the World Cup? Remember how trained harder than ever before to get in the England squad to go to Korea and Japan and how tough it was for the England players. Does Dyer need be rested for a game or two? Remember Lineker being given an in season holiday by the cockney scum after the World Cup in Italy? Giving him a two ore three game rest would give an opportunity to Acuna, Viana or Jenas to further their careers and boost the team.

 

Finally, we are not having a go at the club. We have supported the Toon all of our lives (we know cos wor dads telt us) and we believe that sometimes certain things need to be said criticising the club. We hope we will never have to write anything of this nature again. Mind we are arguing about this. But still this is the type of moaning we prefer. Just listen to the Sad Makems twittering on every phone in there is. As for the smoggier riding high in the premier league theyre still not high enough to breath clean air.

 

The Canny Lads.

 

Were of to have a good punch up over the things in this we disagree over. See you at the RVI causality ward.

The Friday 4 Match Report.

Newcastle  v Zels* Zeljen* Zeljes* Some Team From Abroad

 

The lads gathered as normal at the Haymarket Metro eagerly awaiting the Toon's continued venture into Europe and also the arrival of The Burf.

Twenty-five minutes late he finally arrived, his flimsy excuse being " I missed the same bus as last week "

 

Off to the ground and as we entered, it appeared quiet and a far less crowd than usual. The Big Lad piped up " Most people will have stayed at home to watch it on television, look there's no queue at the bar " and offered to get the first drinks in ( ever ). Then The Burf pointed out there's no sale of alcohol at European games.

 

Bets placed, we settled down to watch a fairly average performance and when Dyer scored he celebrated with a huff and tantrum reflecting his disappointment in finding out that he would not be revisiting Japan or Korea as they were not in Europe.

 

Highlights of the second half were Shola standing on the ball tripping over the ball and somehow managing to get an opponent sent off.

 

As the toon eased to a four nil lead a standard bet for the Friday 4 they suddenly upped the tempo and shots from every angle went in against the opposition. Brave goalkeeping kept the bet alive and when Shearer appeared to make it 5 - 0 the Friday 4 shouted in unison " OFFSIDE " the linesman overheard them and immediately raised his flag, the Belgium Ref ( who had a canny game ) nodded in agreement and disallowed the goal. Amongst howls of derision from the crowd The Friday 4 were applauding as they had won  5 err! except Chris the Beard he checked his slip and realised he had put his  x  in the wrong box and got nowt.

 

Off to the pub we passed by Leazes Park Lake wondering how much more water we would pass before the next night of European glory.

______________________________________________________________ 

 

Wow,
The seasons kicked off and you missed it,
An exciting start where Man Utd. were once again saved by the substitute
Solskaer and a little help from the referee, with West Brom losing a player.

Chelsea dont pose a threat they just secured the points in the dying seconds
at Charlton

Leeds unconvincingly won by three goals beating a better side in Man City

The Mackems served up there normal pile of rubbish the only talking point
being a head injury to Kevin Phillips

So there appears nowt for the Toon to be scared of, watch this space for
some proper match reports in proper Geordie.

 

The first Burfs Eye View:

 

What a fantastic start to the season, who would have believed it?

The Friday 4 all having a bet up 4 - 0 at 25 - 1. paid for the night!

 

Well on to the match report.

 

A bit of a slow start as we waited for the Burf. to arrive in the Toon, apparently the South Shields Magpies defenders stopped at Wardley to give him a lift, however the driver refused stating he only stopped as he thought it was Bobby Robson.

 

The match kicked off and a tight first half. Must have put on weight during the world cup it was a big effort getting through the tornstiles.

 

For the forst half hour Barnard was playing bad, after several bad kicks he passed the ball to the team from London and a joint cry went up "Hoy yer haven't signed for West Ham yer kna"  He responded by swopping shirts and had a blinder.

 

The forst goal came after an hour, a sharp shot from Lua Lua under the keepers legs, as he turned away and gave us his now famous tripple salka with a tucked pike and several cartwheels and the rest of the team standing with score cards showing a perfect ten, Chris the beard was heard to ask, " Who scored ? "

 

The West Ham keeper continued to play like Mike Hooper except David James has white hair. After a few poor kicks a chant commenced "England's England's no 6 "

James responded by letting a further three goals in.

 

The ref blew the whistle and the Friday 4 collected their winnings and went on the Piss. A good night.

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